I Came Up With That First!

First it was fart-absorbing cushions. I was going to call them "First Date." They were to absorb and deodorize flatus while also muffling sound. I figured people would buy them to put in their cars, where a stray SBD could kill a budding relationship faster than ordering anchovy-onion rings on a first date. Then I read about some Australian company that was making fart-deodorizing underwear. Crap! Today I see that someone is publishing a book, out of Purdue University Press, called "Walk a Hound, Lose a Pound." Totally lame title notwithstanding, that was my fricking idea! I thought of the dog-walking weight loss plan a couple years ago. Now, I'm no patent expert, but maybe if I put the rest of my ideas on this public blog, then I will have some claim to royalties in the future? No, you say? Instead people will just steal my ideas from here and develop them for their own enrichment? Well, fine. I'm not doing this for money, anyway. I really am in it for the good of all humanity. And bragging rights. So here goes: along the fart line of thinking, what about an exhaust pipe for farting in tents? Just some backpacking-grade lightweight tubing with a bag valve mask on one end and a little battery-powered fan, and you could run one end out a crack in the door. Pure gold, if you ask anyone who's ever been stuck in the backcountry weather for a day or two. Nerves are already wearing thin without freeze-dried broccoli farts poisoning the common airspace. Next: in the weight-loss line of thinking, how about an "advanced weight loss program, for those who have graduated from the standard plans." This plan would give you badges, or colored belts, or certification cards, or some shit. Like those ice skater badges, or karate belts, or YMCA swim lesson levels. "1000 more crunches to advance from Eel to Tadpole!" That kind of thing. People love to get credentials, and little merit badges, and all that shit that makes them feel superior to everyone else. Put them on the "advanced" track to become "expert" weight losers and they'll stay motivated because they'll think they're special. I was going to combine this book with the dog-walking book, but now that plan got dunked in shit. Then I've got a couple medical ideas. Why do the respiratory therapists always use that crazy split piece of tape to secure endotracheal tubes? How about a velcro strap that goes around the head and fastens easily and quickly and securely around the ET tube? That one could be my retirement fund, so don't steal it. Then in neurosurgery, when they're putting in the deep brain stimulation wires, they have this machine that advances the needle by the micrometer- a tenth of a millimeter- because the shit needs to be pretty precise when you're poking around in someone's noodle. Then, once you've cranked the needle exactly into place over the course of an hour (crank a micrometer, zap, see if Parkinson's tremor goes away, repeat a zillion times), there is this cap that has to go aroud the needle to secure it perfectly. But you have to take the introducer machine off to get the cap on. So you just have some medical student pinch the wire in his/her fingers while you slide this big ass machine off the precisely placed needle and then snap this cap on it. Pretty stupid, huh? I mean, this isn't rocket science- it's just brain surgery. My machine would allow you to put the cap on before having to take the calibrating machine off, completely cutting out the medical student with their physiologic tremor jiggling that fishing line around in someone's deep brain.
That's all I've got for now. Stay tuned.